The assertive cOMMUNICATOR
Over the years, I have helped countless individuals build confidence and improve their communication through my work with clients in the NHS, private practice, and the University sector.
I have found four distinct communication styles that can either help or hinder you in your career. Research shows that expressing yourself effectively can improve wellbeing and self-esteem plus further your career prospects.
And that led me down the path of creating this course, so you can get instant clarity about your principal communication style as the first step in optimising and improving your ability to speak confidently in any situation.
Kim Revell
Health and Care Professions Registered Practitioner Psychologist
tHE aSSERTIVE cOMMUNICATION STYLE
A person who can communicate confidently in any situation is what you might see described as an assertive communicator if you were to search for ‘communication styles’ on the internet.
If you fit into this category, you are likely to be someone who can express themselves in a self-assured and confident way without being pushy or forceful, especially in situations where a conflict of opinion may arise. As an assertive communicator, you can communicate your needs, feelings, and rights to others calmly and honestly while still being respectful in the interaction much of the time. In other words, you balance your needs and rights with the needs and rights of others – for you, it is not about getting what you want at all costs or employing tactics to steamroller others. Assertive communicators are generally effective at setting appropriate boundaries. ThiThankfully, there are some practical and achievable steps that you can take to ensure that your natural assertive communicator style is expressed across all contexts and in all situations.
It all begins with Learning to become more assertive
Firstly, you will need to achieve a deeper understanding of the psychology of your unique communication style.
It is important to remember that communicating in a balanced and assertive way across all situations and relationships does not come naturally for many people and most of us (myself included!) need to learn how to be consistently assertive communicators.
What are the features of this communication style?
Assertive communicators are likely to employ a calm, conversational tone and speak at a steady, even pace. As a result, you are likely to come across as sincere and clear. Your voice is appropriately loud or quiet to match the situation.
Assertive communicators are not hesitant to express their feelings and their needs – you believe in your opinion and right to be heard and ask rather than making demands. You may accomplish this by using ‘I’ statements to get your message across. For example, ‘I like’, ‘I want’ or ‘I don’t like’ and ‘I would prefer.
As you can see, these are brief, direct, and honest, indicating ownership without attributing blame. Assertive communicators’ speech also tends to demonstrate a willingness to explore solutions and negotiate compromises: you include cooperative phrases that ask for other people’s opinions and thoughts.
You will often make a distinction between fact and opinion and stick to the facts. For example, you may say ‘my experience is different to yours’ to respectfully acknowledge rather than invalidate other people’s experience of a disagreement or difference in opinion.
An effective assertive communicator will engage in receptive and active listening, will use constructive criticism without blaming the other person and will avoid using labels and judgments. For example, you may use phrasing like ‘When you interrupt me, I feel irritated, and I would prefer that you left me alone when I am deep in a task’.
In terms of body language, assertive communicators demonstrate that they are actively listening and receptive by making frequent, direct eye contact with a relaxed facial expression.
Your body language is open, including an upright, relaxed, balanced posture equating to an open body stance.
Your movements will be unguarded and casual. You will tend to invite comments from others and will often smile and nod to encourage the conversation to develop and progress.
The emotional life of an assertive communicator
As an assertive communicator, likely, your inner world is quite measured around communication. You often hold the perspective that equality is important as other people have the same rights and level of importance as you. Your stance outlines: ‘I will not take advantage of you for being who you are, and I won’t allow you to take advantage of me for being who I am. You are likely to have a well-rounded feeling of self-worth and feel positive about how you handle situations and how you treat others.
Common "assertive communicator" pitfalls
It is important to note that the four communication styles that have been identified tend to operate across a spectrum of sorts and I often notice that clients demonstrating many features of the assertive communicator are not always able to be this way consistently across all situations or all relationships.
Importantly, some assertive communicators’ ability to assert themselves effectively may be situation-specific.
For example, they may do this well at home but be unable to adopt this stance at work or vice versa. Alternatively, it may be person or relationship-specific.
For example, some assertive communicators are very able to implement this communication style with certain people but struggle to do so with others.
They may be able to assert themselves with family members and people they don’t know, but struggle to do this with their colleagues or their boss or vice versa.
These clients often express a feeling that, sometimes, certain circumstances or colleagues have influenced them to do things that they did not want to do.
They may have felt powerless in a situation and felt that things are happening to them, or they may have wanted to change the situation but were unsure how to.
Ultimately, they often describe feeling influenced to do one thing when they wanted to do something else. Thus, while assertive communicators are assertive most of the time and handle most situations well, they can nonetheless benefit from new ideas and further practice to improve their communication skills and effectiveness across all situations and in all relationships.
So, the implications of being less able to operate as an assertive communicator in the workplace could be that you might find yourself taking on extra work outside of your remit and struggling to set appropriate boundaries.
This could impact your work-life balance negatively and even lead to overworking and burnout. Resentment may build up, leading to lower job satisfaction and demotivation.
A further consequence could be an increase in anxiety and a loss of confidence in yourself which may even impact your career progression if it influences your ability to put yourself forward for opportunities or improve your visibility. You may find yourself wondering how it never seems to work in your favour in the office when things are fine in your social life.
Does this sound familiar?
Here's what you can do about it
Thankfully, there are some practical and achievable steps that you can take to ensure that your natural assertive communicator style is expressed across all contexts and in all situations.
It all begins with Learning to become more assertive.
Firstly, you will need to achieve a deeper understanding of the psychology of your unique communication style.
It is important to remember that communicating in a balanced and assertive way across all situations and relationships does not come naturally for many people and most of us (myself included!) need to learn how to be consistently assertive communicators.
Your Next Steps
Now you might be wondering:
And how do I achieve this without the specialist knowledge and instruction that it undoubtedly requires?
Well, you are in luck, as this is what I do as a psychologist all day every day. I help women Find Their Voice In The Workplace (and in fact in all areas of their life) through tailored training.
I have put together this FREE How To Be More Assertive Starter Kit to help you begin this journey. By the end of the course, you will be able to:
DO THE FOLLOWING:
- Recognise and classify the 4 different communication styles and their characteristics
- Determine your dominant communication style
- Identify specific situations where a lack of assertiveness may be holding you back.
- Build self-esteem and self-worth by communicating your needs and preferences effectively.
KNOW THE FOLLOWING:
- How to ask for your needs to be met
- The 7 steps to creating and delivering an assertive statement
- The negative consequences of not being assertive
- How assertiveness can improve your self-esteem
- The 3 Myths of assertiveness
- 6 ways that saying NO can improve your life
FEEL/NOT FEEL THE FOLLOWING:
- Less anxious in situations where disagreement may occur
- Less resentful
- More confident
