The Passive (Placater) Communication Style
Over the years, I have helped countless individuals build confidence and improve their communication through my work with clients in the NHS, private practice, and the University sector.
Extensive research has found four distinct communication styles that can either help or hinder you in your career. Research shows that expressing yourself effectively can improve wellbeing and self-esteem plus further your career prospects.
And that led me down the path of creating this course, so you can get instant clarity about your principal workplace communication style as the first step in optimising and improving your ability to speak confidently in any situation.
Kim Revell
Health and Care Professions Registered Practitioner Psychologist
The Passive (Placater)
A placater communication style is what you might see described as a non-assertive or passive communicator if you were to search for ‘communication styles’ on the internet. Another term that is often used to refer to a placater is ‘people pleaser’.
If you fit into this category, you may be someone who tends to go with the flow, even if that is not what you want. You may have trouble expressing your needs, wants opinions, and feelings.
You are likely to feel easily intimidated by others and tend to be apologetic, even when you haven’t done anything wrong. You may seek permission for things, even when you don’t need to.
You may feel like you don’t want to bother people or that what you have to say isn’t important – in this case, you may express yourself in apologetic, self-effacing ways. You may even put yourself down or fail to stand up for yourself in some situations.
You may avoid expressing your opinion until others have given theirs and you may avoid giving negative feedback or criticising others, even constructively, due to anxiety about what may happen if you do.
Likely, you will also tend to avoid saying anything which may attract disapproval or negative comments from others – you worry about people getting upset and angry with you.
As a result, a placater often side-steps standing up for their rights and this may lead you to be disregarded and miss out on opportunities.
Where might this style originate from?
In my experience, this communication style often originates from a deep-seated fear of being rejected and may have developed in childhood or as a young person in an attempt to avoid this happening.
Consequently, you may find that your life is dominated by rules along the lines of: ‘If I don’t do what other people want, even at my expense, they won’t like me and I will be rejected’. You may often feel helpless and frustrated because you feel unable to fend off or disregard the demands of others.
The placater’s inner world is often filled with negative beliefs and stories about themselves, the world, and others. For example, you may think that you don’t count or that you are not important or good enough or that other people are not to be trusted. You are also likely to believe that another person’s needs and wants are more important than yours in any situation and that the other person has rights, but that you are not entitled to the same.
For example, you may believe that if you put your needs first, people will think badly of you and will not like you or may even get angry with you. You may even believe that other people’s contributions are more valuable than yours and that it is your role in life is to be subservient to others as a result.
You may also believe that if you say no and this upsets someone, it means you are a bad person. It is natural to want to be liked and be thought of as ‘nice’ or ‘easy to get along with’. However, if you withhold your opinions and do not express your feelings openly, especially those that conflict with other people, this can lead to being taken advantage of by people who are not as nice or considerate.
All of this can, in turn, give rise to the feeling of a lack of control over your life, feeling taken advantage of, and a sense of discouragement and futility which in the worst-case scenario can lead to low mood or depression. You may have noticed feeling like a ‘doormat’ and having suspicions that you are being walked all over by others.
Alternatively, you may find yourself getting angry when someone violates your rights but feel unable to stand up for yourself. Learning how to adopt more of an ‘all-rounder’ assertive style of communication can help prevent others from mistreating you and you from cheating yourself out of what you deserve.
What are the features of this communication style?
Placaters tend to speak softly or quietly and in wordy sentences. You may find that you are hesitant, your speech is quite likely to be filled with pauses and you may beat around the bush. We might see quite a bit of throat-clearing and frequent use of ‘umm’ and ‘err’. If you fall into this category you may notice that you make frequent justifications for what you are asking for or what you are saying and are overly courteous, going to great lengths to avoid disagreement or an actual argument. Common examples include:
‘I could be wrong, but…’
‘It’s not really that important, but…’
‘Sorry to ask, but I was just wondering…’
‘I don’t mind; I’ll go with what everyone else thinks…’
‘I wouldn’t normally say anything but..’
You may employ apologetic phrases such as:
‘Sorry to bother you’
‘If it’s not too much trouble…’
‘I’d be very grateful if you could’
What you may notice in these examples is that placaters also tend to dismiss or diminish themselves in their speech such as the ‘it’s not that important’ example or ‘it doesn’t really matter’ or ‘I’m useless’, ‘I’m hopeless’ or even ‘oh, you know me’.
If you adopt this style you are likely to speak in a softer, quieter tone of voice that may be quite monotone and drop away at the end of a sentence. Alternatively, you might use a questioning tone with your voice going up at the end of a sentence or use a sing-song tone of voice.
In terms of body language, placaters often appear ‘shy’ and may avert their gaze or look down when speaking. If this is you, you may often struggle to look someone straight in the eye.
Your posture can be quite collapsed or hunched in on yourself as a protective gesture as you try to make yourself smaller and invisible by taking up less space.
Quite often you may cross your arms in front of you to cover your body as another protective gesture. You may wring your hands and find that your facial expressions do not match the content of what you are feeling and saying.
For example, you may have the urge to laugh or smile when you are in fact feeling angry or upset. You may also tend to cover your mouth with your hand when you do not feel comfortable with what you are saying or are worried about how the other person might react.
What are the payoffs with this communication style and how do these keep it going?
Adopting a placater approach does have some advantages, even if this is difficult to believe!
I frequently observe that by avoiding conflict of any sort, placaters also avoid anxiety and discomfort in the short term. This, of course, makes a lot of sense as these emotions don’t feel very nice/are uncomfortable, and postponing or avoiding anxiety entirely feels good and reduces stress in the moment.
However, while this works in the short term, it is not a medium to long term solution; the placater’s life will inevitably shrink as they go to further and further lengths to stay in their comfort zone or become tougher as they desperately avoid confrontation, taking on more due to an inability to push back on requests/demands.
In addition, societal expectations may be brought to bear as people-pleasers may be praised for being selfless and will be rarely blamed if things go wrong due to their avoidance of responsibility. Yet another benefit experienced by passive people may be that others will ‘look after them’ which can serve to trap them in their submissive position.
However, a placater communication style should not be confused with politeness, it is possible to be both polite and assertive.
What are the emotional consequences of adopting this as your principal style?
When all is said and done, in my experience, adopting a placatory style may well have long-term negative emotional consequences for an individual. What I often see is that they feel powerless, stressed, and angry over their inability to refuse what may be unreasonable demands made of them by others. In turn, this may lead to self-criticism, a lack of self-confidence coupled with an inability to accept themselves as they are.
Common "placater" pitfalls
In the workplace, adopting a placater style as your main manner of communication can create problems, and you may have noticed this already.
Placaters often develop huge resentment at the demands that are made of them and their inability to push back – they often feel put upon. They may think their colleagues or boss are being manipulative or even feel used by them.
However, it is more likely that the placater has unwittingly created the situation themselves by adopting a people-pleasing style that encourages others to take advantage.
This may lead them to avoid people in the office without trying to resolve interpersonal issues or disagreements due to the fear of addressing things and saying no becomes too overwhelming.
In the workplace, placatory communication patterns can lead you to feel that certain circumstances, colleagues, or your boss have influenced you to do something that you did not want to do.
Have you ever come away from an interaction thinking ‘I wish I hadn’t backed down so easily. Or ‘I wish I had dared to say what I think.
You may experience feeling powerless in situations and that things are happening to you, or you may have wanted to change a situation but were unsure how to do this.
Ultimately, you may frequently feel influenced to do one thing when you wanted to do something else.
You may also feel intimidated by authority figures and have a hard time dealing with managers or supervisors which can give rise to anxiety and that you are not good enough.
So, the implications of being a placater in the workplace could be that you might find yourself taking on extra work outside of your remit and struggling to set appropriate boundaries.
This could impact your work-life balance negatively and lead to overworking and burnout. Resentment may build up, leading to lower job satisfaction and demotivation.
A further consequence could be an increase in anxiety and a loss of confidence in yourself which may even impact your career progression if it influences your ability to put yourself forward for opportunities or improve your visibility.
Does this sound familiar?
It is important to note that the four communication styles identified tend to operate across a spectrum of sorts. What I have noticed in those who demonstrate many features of the placater, is that they are not always operating in this way across all situations or all relationships.
Oftentimes, a placater does have some assertive skills and may adopt more of an ‘all-rounder’ assertive style in certain situations and/or with certain people.
For example, I have found that some people who are the placater at work are more able to be an all-rounder at home. In addition, these individuals are often able to implement an assertive communication style with certain people but struggle to do so with others.
For example, they may be able to assert themselves with family members and strangers or people they don’t know, but struggle to do this with their colleagues or their boss in the context of work.
In my experience, placaters can generally benefit from further skills acquisition and practice to improve their communication skills and effectiveness.
For example, I have found that assessing communication skills across situations/contexts can identify problem areas that can then be addressed systematically.
Your next steps
Now you might be wondering:
And how do I achieve this without the specialist knowledge and instruction that it undoubtedly requires?
Well, you are in luck, as this is what I do as a psychologist all day every day. I teach women How to Become More Assertive in the workplace (and in fact in all areas of their life) through tailored training.
I have put together this FREE How To Be More Assertive Starter Kit to help you begin this journey. By the end of the course, you will be able to:
DO THE FOLLOWING:
- Recognise and classify the 4 different communication styles and their characteristics
- Determine your dominant communication style
- Identify specific situations where a lack of assertiveness may be holding you back.
- Build self-esteem and self-worth by communicating your needs and preferences effectively.
KNOW THE FOLLOWING:
- How to ask for your needs to be met
- The 7 steps to creating and delivering an assertive statement
- How assertiveness can improve your self-esteem
- The 3 Myths of assertiveness
- 6 ways that saying NO can improve your life
FEEL/NOT FEEL THE FOLLOWING:
- Less anxious in situations where disagreement may occur
- Less resentful
- More confident
