A combative communication style
Over the years, I have helped countless individuals build confidence and improve their communication through my work with clients in the NHS, private practice, and the University sector.
Extensive research has found four distinct communication styles that can either help or hinder you in your career. Research shows that expressing yourself effectively can improve wellbeing and self-esteem plus further your career prospects.
And that led me down the path of creating this course, so you can get instant clarity about your principal workplace communication style as the first step in optimising and improving your ability to speak confidently in any situation.
Kim Revell
Health and Care Professions Registered Practitioner Psychologist
The combative (aggressive) communication Style
A combative communicator is what you might see described as an aggressive communicator if you were to search for ‘communication styles’ on the internet. Now, I don’t like the term ‘aggressive’ as I feel it can be misinterpreted as if the individual has deliberately malicious intentions.
It may feel painful to accept that this is your main style of communicating at work or home. However, I believe that it is important to understand how this style develops so that we can adopt a compassionate stance to ourselves and find ways to move beyond it. I like to refer to this type of communicator as a combat veteran.
The combat veteran may well believe that their behaviour is dictated by the situation. However, it is generally not so: we may not be able to choose the situation that we find ourselves in, events may happen around us that we cannot control and we may have natural feelings in response to any given situation – for example, feeling sad, happy, hurt, proud, or angry.
However, we can always choose how we respond as we are 100% in control of our behaviour, even if we cannot control how we feel.
The combat veteran may therefore believe their behaviour is simply the result of a situation and maybe unaware that often it is the root cause of a problem. For example, a combat veteran boss may attribute a high level of staff turnover to deficiencies in team members themselves as they do not recognise that they may be a major contributing factor to staff leaving.
Where might this style originate from?
In my experience, this communication style often originates from fear or anxiety and may have been learned in childhood or as a young person as a tactic to keep you safe. Oftentimes, if you do tend to employ this communication style, you in fact may not feel that dominant, even though that may be how you are behaving or coming across.
Underneath a combat veteran style may be a deep-seated need to feel in control and ward off feelings of anxiety, helplessness, and powerlessness. You may even feel that you are ill-treated and subject to unreasonable and excessive demands from others. This could trigger combat veteran style communication patterns and domineering behaviour.
I could also describe this communication style as ‘the inner defender’, in that you may hold others responsible for your problems in an attempt to reduce discomfort around your fear of failure and lack of self-belief. It may also be that you have simply never had the opportunity to learn how to communicate in a more balanced and assertive way in your family of origin.
The combat veteran may have experienced bullying, neglect, or abuse in their past. As a result of these experiences, they may believe ‘I need to be pushy/forceful/aggressive to get results or get what I want. This approach is rooted in fear and although the combat veteran may get what they want in the short-term the long-term consequences are that they will potentially push people away.
They may operate defensively, holding tightly to beliefs and rules like: ‘I must get at others before they have a chance to get to me’ and ‘I must give as good as I get’ (both other ways to frame attack as being the best form of defence) and ‘The world is a battleground and I have to win so that I don’t go under’ or even ‘other people cannot be trusted or relied upon to do the right thing or do things properly’.
The combat veteran often has a sense of entitlement and you may believe that your needs are more important than others, leading you to prioritise yourself and look out for number one. For example, you may believe that you are entitled to be angry at any cost to another person. However, following a flare-up, you may experience remorse, guilt, and self-criticism for hurting others and loneliness from pushing people away.
Nonetheless, we can all fall prey to communicating like a combat veteran in situations where we might believe ‘attack is the best form of defence’. It may be difficult and uncomfortable to accept that this is your predominant style of communicating, but the good news is that you can change it if you want to as assertive communication is a skill that can be learned and developed over time.
What are the features of this communication style?
As a combat veteran, your communication style can often get you what you want very quickly, and you may not recognise or be able to see the negative consequences. Instead of submitting to others, you may feel compelled to get others to submit to you.
You may feel driven to always come out on top, win, or get your needs met regardless of the cost to other people.
You may notice that you feel threatened by small things and experience the sense that you can’t handle a situation unless you coerce the other person into silence. If you do tend to take a combat veteran stance, you may adopt a superior attitude and express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that is strident or dominant and is in danger of unconsciously violating the rights of the other person.
You may come across to others as demanding and hostile, giving out the message ‘I matter more than you do, so get out of my way’; you may tend to express opinions as facts (e.g., ‘that’s a useless way to do it’) and put other people down either subtly or overtly.
You may find that you feel compelled to dismiss other’s needs, wants, and feelings and may even go as far as to attack or ignore others’ opinions in favour of your own.
In doing this you may again find that you violate other people’s rights as an unintentional consequence. You may feel superior to other people without really knowing that you do – I sometimes see this when an individual holds very tightly to the belief ‘if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself’. You may find it difficult to accept questioning or suggestions for doing things differently.
Your speaking style is likely to be quick and fluent with few hesitations as you are not concerned/afraid/bothered about offending or upsetting the other person. You may notice a tendency to interrupt others when they speak or talk over them, thus dominating an exchange.
You may notice that you draw upon a sarcastic and strident tone of voice and the cadence of your speech may be abrupt, clipped, and fast – you may even shout and use threats.
You may emphasise blaming words, put-downs, or evaluative comments. Common examples include:
‘No, that won’t work. Don’t bother…’
‘You shouldn’t ever do that!’
‘Look at what you’ve done!’
‘It’s all your fault!’
‘That’s just typical…’
‘Don’t be so stupid.’
‘It’s all part of the job…’
‘Don’t question me, just do XYZ…’
You may also ask what could be seen as threatening questions such as ‘why on earth did you do it like that?’ or ‘what is taking you so long?’
You may notice that you frequently use the words ‘always, never, should, must and ought’
The body language that we might see in a combat veteran could be interpreted as overbearing, perhaps leaning forward or over the person. As such, you may tend to intrude into or invade others’ personal space and you may be described by colleagues as ‘in your face’.
You may employ strong and intimidating eye contact, such as glaring at the other person, and you may find yourself using invasive/intimidating gestures such as finger-pointing and clicking your fingers.
You may stand rigidly and cross your arms which gives the impression of being unapproachable and you may find yourself tutting, rolling your eyes, or even sneering.
What are the payoffs with this communication style and how do these keep it going?
Adopting a combat veteran approach does have some advantages. For example, things may tend to go your way because your forceful style intimidates or coerces others into doing what you want.
Outwardly you may appear successful in a material sense and on top of things at work and this may give rise to short term feelings of power, authority, and competence.
This may help you feel less vulnerable in a modern culture that celebrates consumerism and is often characterised by competition and hostility.
However, it invariably sets up a trap in which you need to be constantly hypervigilant to what is going on around you to exert control over your surroundings.
What are the emotional consequences of adopting this as your principal style?
Paradoxically, despite their domineering communication style, the combat veteran may feel inferior deep down. As a result, you may compensate by adopting this ‘attack is the best form of defence’ approach, putting others down and being overbearing. This may lead to feelings of guilt and shame in the long term which may decrease your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Thus, while this type of behaviour may feel rewarding in the short term, the consequences can be very damaging in the long term.
The constant need to control what is going on around you and avoid any vulnerability can be hugely costly in terms of time, energy, and focus and may make it difficult to relax – it can be an exhausting and lonely place to be.
Common "Combat Veteran" Pitfalls
In the workplace, adopting a combat veteran style as your main manner of communication can create problems, and you may have noticed this already.
The impact of the combat veteran stance on relationships can be toxic, particularly at work. Colleagues may begin to resent you and may withdraw respect, affection, and loyalty. Others may fear your combat veteran style and your behaviour may alienate co-workers, creating enemies, leading to paranoia and anxiety, making life even more difficult, especially in the workplace.
The impact of this can make it hard to maintain good working relationships and for either party to achieve a good outcome from an interaction.
Of course, this is a real disadvantage in the workplace and, left unchecked, can negatively impact your job prospects, lead to lower job satisfaction and demotivation along with feeling lonely and isolated in the office environment.
A further consequence could be an increase in anxiety and a loss of confidence in yourself which may even impact your career progression if it influences your ability to put yourself forward for opportunities or improve your visibility.
Does this sound familiar?
It is important to note that the four communication styles identified tend to operate across a spectrum of sorts. What I have noticed in clients that I have worked with who do demonstrate many features of the combat veteran, is that they are not always operating in this way across all situations or all relationships.
Oftentimes, a combat veteran does have some assertive skills and can generally benefit from further skills acquisition and practice to improve their communication skills and effectiveness. For example, I have found that assessing communication skills across situations can identify problem areas that can then be addressed systematically.
Here's What You Can Do About It
Thankfully, there are some practical and achievable steps that you can take to overcome the limitations of your natural combat veteran style and move beyond it to develop more of an assertive style.
It all begins with Learning to become more assertive
Firstly, you will need to achieve a deeper understanding of the psychology of your unique communication style.
It is important to remember that communicating in a balanced and assertive way across all situations and relationships does not come naturally for many people and most of us (myself included!) need to learn how to be consistently assertive communicators.
Your Next Steps
Now you might be wondering:
And how do I achieve this without the specialist knowledge and instruction that it undoubtedly requires?
Well, you are in luck, as this is what I do as a psychologist all day every day. I teach women How to Become More Assertive in the workplace (and in fact in all areas of their life) through tailored training.
I have put together this FREE How To Be More Assertive Starter Kit to help you begin this journey. By the end of the course, you will be able to:
DO THE FOLLOWING:
- Recognise and classify the 4 different communication styles and their characteristics
- Determine your dominant communication style
- Identify specific situations where a lack of assertiveness may be holding you back.
- Build self-esteem and self-worth by communicating your needs and preferences effectively.
KNOW THE FOLLOWING:
- How to ask for your needs to be met
- The 7 steps to creating and delivering an assertive statement
- The negative consequences of not being assertive
- How assertiveness can improve your self-esteem
- The 3 Myths of assertiveness
- 6 ways that saying NO can improve your life
FEEL/NOT FEEL THE FOLLOWING:
- Less anxious in situations where disagreement may occur
- Less resentful
- More confident
